I hope you will all offer a bit of grace with this post. I submit to you that poetry is not my calling or gift. So... we won't call this a poem. We'll say this is just a few thoughts lined up together in pretty rows.
My Friend Guilt
For so long, I’ve been trying to stay just one step ahead of you.
Still I feel your hot breath searing my neck, threatening my calm.
You clothe yourself in all my good intentions,
Exploiting all my insecurities.
We’ve been inseparable; I was blind to your identity.
But I know your name, now.
These attacks aren’t a new profession.
You’ve been perfecting them night and day since—forever.
Lesser and greater children than me have faced your ploy.
But at least, now, I know your name.
I arm myself, now, against your maneuvers
By accepting Grace in the face of accusations,
Recognizing the difference between your voice and my own.
You who were once named after the morning star,
I know your name.
Accuser.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Waiting
We never imagined we’d have trouble getting pregnant the fourth time around. We hadn’t had any problems getting pregnant or carrying to term. Three pregnancies and three bright, beautiful children—easy as pie. It’s not surprising that, after my husband and I looked at each other and asked “what’s a little more noise,” we expected life to progress in similar fashion.
Six months later, we were still waiting. Just before Christmas my husband rushed me to the emergency room where we discovered that I was carrying a little surprise. Just not the kind we were expecting.
Renal calculi. Aka kidney stones. Aka pain and suffering. We quickly had them annihilated, thinking we’d soon be on the road to baby-ville. In April, the stick turned blue. Our family hit cloud nine. Our kids began planning for a little brother or sister.
We never expected our fourth pregnancy to end in miscarriage. I suddenly understood the loss friends and loved ones had experienced after miscarrying. I also realized something about myself that isn’t pretty. I am a comfort eater. No tubs of ice cream for me, though, I prefer Reese’s Cups.
Soon, we discovered that my dance with kidney stones wasn’t over. That, in fact, it would never be over. We also learned that women who form kidney stones are more likely to form them during pregnancy. With heavy hearts, my husband and I stepped off the roller coaster of trying to getting pregnant.
Two years have passed since we decided our family wasn’t quite complete. After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to adopt. Of course, we’re only at the very beginning of what will likely be a long process.
I’ve been challenged during this journey, realizing that I am still learning to trust the Father’s will for our family. It’s nasty business to face the idea that you aren’t as trusting of God as you thought. I’ve struggled with accepting His plan. I’ve struggled to find His will. I’ve struggled to allow Him to work it all out. I’ve struggled and, honestly, I’m not sure I’m done yet.
In the end, we are waiting. Waiting to see what God will do.
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y
Six months later, we were still waiting. Just before Christmas my husband rushed me to the emergency room where we discovered that I was carrying a little surprise. Just not the kind we were expecting.
Renal calculi. Aka kidney stones. Aka pain and suffering. We quickly had them annihilated, thinking we’d soon be on the road to baby-ville. In April, the stick turned blue. Our family hit cloud nine. Our kids began planning for a little brother or sister.
We never expected our fourth pregnancy to end in miscarriage. I suddenly understood the loss friends and loved ones had experienced after miscarrying. I also realized something about myself that isn’t pretty. I am a comfort eater. No tubs of ice cream for me, though, I prefer Reese’s Cups.
Soon, we discovered that my dance with kidney stones wasn’t over. That, in fact, it would never be over. We also learned that women who form kidney stones are more likely to form them during pregnancy. With heavy hearts, my husband and I stepped off the roller coaster of trying to getting pregnant.
Two years have passed since we decided our family wasn’t quite complete. After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to adopt. Of course, we’re only at the very beginning of what will likely be a long process.
I’ve been challenged during this journey, realizing that I am still learning to trust the Father’s will for our family. It’s nasty business to face the idea that you aren’t as trusting of God as you thought. I’ve struggled with accepting His plan. I’ve struggled to find His will. I’ve struggled to allow Him to work it all out. I’ve struggled and, honestly, I’m not sure I’m done yet.
In the end, we are waiting. Waiting to see what God will do.
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y
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